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The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But
The Truth.
We’d like to welcome you to this month’s issue
of the Lawyers Stink E-mail Newsletter. We certainly hope that you are
doing well and are doing your best at keeping lawyers out of your life.
Today we’re going to talk about a big problem that everyone in the legal
community knows exists yet is still getting swept under the rug in
American courtrooms. That problem is lying under oath.
If you’ve ever been in a courtroom or have at least watched the
festivities played out on television, you know that witnesses are required
to raise their right hand and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. In reality, the testimony being proffered by many
of these witnesses is nothing remotely close to the truth. Lying under
oath is known in the legal arena as perjury.
The truth of the matter is, ironically, that the truth doesn’t really
matter much anymore. This is especially true when people are involved with
lawyers and legal proceedings. Stretching the truth in the legal arena to
a lawyer is as American as apple pie, since many lawyers fervently believe
that the truth has very little to do with the law anyway – or getting paid
for that matter.
The legal field is replete with lawyers who have become virtual virtuosos
in the fine art of deception and deceit. And as far as their profound
propensity for obfuscating, prevaricating and equivocating at every turn,
aren’t we being a little picky?
When you get right down to the
nitty-gritty, fabricating the facts, twisting the truth and finagling the
figures are requisite tricks of their trade and no self-respecting lawyer
would leave home without them. Whether we like it or not, lying has become
an integral facet of our legal system. And lawyers, by and large, wouldn’t
have it any other way.
Since perjury is rarely prosecuted, telling the truth under oath has
become more or less optional. The message is clear: if the truth hurts you
in court, then don’t tell it. If you’re going to bring a frivolous lawsuit
in the first place, you sure as heck can’t be worried about letting the
truth stand in the way of a potential score, can you? Of course not. Come
on, in order for there to be a lawsuit in the first place, somebody
involved somewhere along the line is not telling the whole truth.
While there may well be two sides to every story, especially when lawyers
get involved, there can only be one true story. This is where the rest of
us fit in quite handily. The inalienable rights we enjoy as American
citizens include life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. With lawyers
lurking at every corner, that saying should be amended to say life,
liberty and the right to sue the heck out of each other.
Lawyers regularly coach their clients prior to depositions and trials.
Everybody openly admits to this, more or less. However, sometimes this
coaching goes way over the line as the lawyer meticulously instructs the
witness on how to answer the questions posed. Let’s face it, sometimes the
facts are the last thing the lawyer wants on the table. Don’t act shocked.
Lying and lawyers go together like the pea and the pod.
Granted, these lawyers are quick to tell anyone and everyone within
earshot that they would never, ever instruct their clients to be anything
less than 100% truthful while giving testimony. Are their noses growing?
While that poppycock may play well to the masses, most of us who can fog a
mirror know that this horse poop that the lawyers are dishing out is a lie
as well. You see, these lawyers just can’t help themselves. Whenever you
see their lips moving, you had better put your boots on since it’s going
to get real deep real quick.
In our highly acclaimed book, It’s Time to Wake Up and Smell the Lawyers,
we debunk this tell the truth facade the lawyers having been spewing for
years (click
here to review excerpts of Chapter Six which is entitled
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire).
Now if a lawyer coaches or instructs his or her client to not tell the
truth in court, this is called subornation of perjury – which is basically
helping the client to commit perjury. But that’s no big deal either, since
the act of suborning perjury is almost never prosecuted. Since lawyers
know full well that the legal community barely raises an eyebrow when the
topics of perjury or suborning perjury are brought up, they figure that
skirting the truth and fabricating the facts may well be worth the minimal
risk. So why not roll the dice and lie your ass off in court? Why not
indeed.
Innocent people who find themselves embroiled in a lawsuit learn very
quickly that telling the truth doesn’t give them much of a leg up in
court. In fact, telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth can sometimes be a distinct disadvantage, as goofy as that sounds.
Think about it for a moment. If the other party is lying through their
teeth and the opposing lawyer somehow manages to get the judge or jury to
buy into the swill they’re dishing out, you may find yourself up the
proverbial creek without a paddle.
In the Attorneys and the Unwritten Law section of our web-site, we outline
the various unwritten laws of America’s legal system (click
Attorneys and
the Unwritten Law to view). One of the unwritten laws is “you don’t have
to be wrong to get sued.” Innocent people get sued every day of the week.
Another unwritten law is “you don’t have to be right to win.” Innocent
people lose in court every day as well. Lying, deceitfulness and dirty,
dishonest dealings play an integral part in this process.
The opposing lawyers can accuse you of lying when you are in reality
telling the truth. These lawyers can fabricate events and rewrite history
as they see fit. These snobbish, pompous, egotistical blowhards can rant
and rave, bully and befuddle, confuse and distort all they want while you
are expected to treat them with courtesy and civility at all times. In
fact, they demand it. Nice set of rules, huh?
These lawyers will then turn around and paint their guilty as sin client
in a totally different light; as an upstanding pillar of the community.
Sometimes truth and justice seem miles apart in today’s legal system.
Right and wrong and black and white have become nebulous, abstract, pie in
the sky concepts these days. Perjury and suborning perjury are just tricks
of the trade nowadays, regardless of whether we like it or not and
regardless of whether lawyers admit it or not (which they won’t).
But what about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? What
about it?
As always, we wish you a lawyer free day!
Hey, if you’ve got a goofy lawsuit you’d like to pass on to us, simply
click
Stupid Lawsuits and Other Funny Stuff and we’ll add yours to
our ever growing list of stupid lawsuits.
And while you’re at in, why not take a few moments and check out our
growing collection of
Funny Lawyer
Quotes, Jokes and Cartoons?
It’s
Time to Wake Up and Smell the Lawyers
Book: If you haven’t read our highly acclaimed book, you’re missing out on
a load of information about America’s legal system – and a load of laughs
as well. You can read excerpts taken from the book by clicking
book
chapter summaries here.
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Thanks for reading this issue of the Lawyers Stink E-mail Newsletter and
we’ll see you next month. As always, we welcome your comments and
suggestions about our newsletter.
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